Equus Asinus

Aitana donkey begins her new role as the fashion correspondent for the blog. After Rubí made a rood comment in her Tuesday blog, Aitana rose to the challenge and asked the Peasant if she could write a trial article for the blog. (See her comments under Journal of the Virus Year: Chapter 3).

I agreed. Then Aitana surprised me by announcing she had an online journalism degree from Complutense University Madrid, where most Spanish politicians have plagiarised their MA dissertations. The popular idea that even a donkey could get a degree there is, then, completely true.

The coronavirus chic of this long Spring Holiday is really catching on, and my only regret is that it didn’t really help to boost sales in Laura Ashley, which has announced closure of all its stores.

Let’s start with the latex gloves, which are available in packs of four or six. If you mistakenly buy a six pack, you’ll wonder what to do with the pair left over after you have put four of them on your hooves. As we saw in Rubí’s blog on Tuesday, she thought that she could wear the two left over on her ears, but this simply made her look like a moose. (There is sometimes a fine line between high fashion and looking ridiculous.)

The latex gloves I have been evaluating come in hoof sizes 4 – 9 only, so larger donkeys such as Andalusians or even carthorses may struggle to get them on. I did see a mule last week wearing pink kitchen washing-up gloves, but even with a matching pink face-mask this only made him look like the sort of unfashionable fat little ponies that trot alongside Russian chavs in Puerto Banus on the Costa del Sol, wearing gold buckles on their head-collars and smoking Sobranie Black Russian cigarettes. So take care: pink washing-up gloves are pretty hideous as a fashion accessory and may even attract the virus which likes bright colours (see the Internet which is full of useful fake news). Follow the advice of the chief medical officer and Vogue magazine: stick to white latex.

Latex gloves from Orxeta farmacia are available in four-packs for equines, and under Spanish lock-down laws a trip to the farmacia is allowed. You don’t have to tell them it is a fashion item if you are stopped by the Guardia Civil. They will be wearing latex gloves anyway, but usually bright blue, which clashes horribly with their green uniforms! Don’t tell them they look ridiculous or that is an on-the-spot fine of 300 euros (see Estado de Alarma regulations for going out of the house, Rule 457.)

The safety visor is obviously there to keep you safe from coronavirus, but as a fashion accessory it also has some appeal. I have seen donkeys wearing the visor hinged back on their heads, much like it was the fashion to wear designer sunglasses over a silk headscarf, but unless you are Madonna I don’t think you will get away with a perspex safety visor hinged back on your head – even with a silk scarf and plenty of blush.

The important thing with the choice of blooms on your floral hat is to have a colour range which matches your head-collar and lead-rope. Try to avoid plastic flowers: they end up swirling around in the Great Plastic Floral Gyre in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and can be a hazard for turtles. Some people say that there’s a serendipitous spin-off, as they make a handy floral tribute for body-bags of people with coronavirus who are thrown off cruise ships and buried at sea, but I think on balance we should stick to fabric flowers made from natural fibres which can be recycled or eaten by other donkeys as a treat. (See below, as Morris and Matilde eat my hat.)

The whole ensemble also provides you with a great advantage in chicken-staring, but you may need to ask the chicken to perch higher up. The visor produces eyeball distortions at a low angle and can lead to the chicken abandoning the game or calling a foul and a replay. On average, it gives you a two or three minute advantage over the chicken who will eventually blink and walk away. This week I have won in chicken-staring sessions 34 – 9 and I invite anyone involved in online gambling in Gibraltar to tell me how to make money out of this on a regular basis. (The chicken is also interested, as long as it is more than a poultry sum.)

That is my first blog post, which the Peasant agreed to let me write as a trial piece, seeing as it is the Coronavirus Spring Holiday 2020 and he is short of material. I did not tell the Peasant I’ve already had three articles published in the Guardian Weekend fashion & beauty supplement, as I thought he might find that a little intimidating. Take care.

#QuedateEnCasa #StayAtHome

Breaking news, 20 March 2020:

Dinosaur flouts lock-down in Murcia and is ordered by police to go home

The video has gone viral. (Are we still allowed to say that?)